MaxiPads and the Joys of Fatherhood
by The Behemoth
Summary: Puberty sucks. Poor Gru. One-shot!


**Author's Note: **My first fanfic after a while! This movie is so enchanting that I couldn't resist writing something for it. Also thought it would be funny to put Gru smack-dab in the middle of yet another awkward crisis. Ah, childhood. Also if you think Margo's too young to get her period then imagine her older (though my own life experiences proved otherwise *tears*). I'm also thinking about writing a longer fic for this category, so if anyone actually likes this piece I may write more. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** _Despicable Me_ belongs to Illumination Entertainment/Universal Studios.

**Maxi-Pads and the Joys of Fatherhood**

Life after what the national news networks dubbed "The Lunar Lunatic Caper" was typical for Gru and his newly adopted daughters. The girls got into trouble and, like any good parent, Gru was right behind them trying to prevent the destruction of whatever whole piece of furniture was left in his home.

He always went the extra mile. When the girls wanted pancakes for breakfast, he would be sure to add smiley faces on them with whip cream and cut strawberries. When they wanted to have tea parties, he would slip into his alternate persona "Ms. Tenenbaum" and talk about "her" dead husband Wilbur and how the summer heat was wilting "her" flower patch.

When Gru and his family would have picnics in the park and boys would try to play with the girls, Gru would threaten their lives.

And when his girls went to sleep, he would give them a goodnight kiss and unashamedly say, "I love you."

Despite all his hard work, he never saw the next hurdle fatherhood had in store for him.

"_Daaaaaaad_!" Edith stomped her tiny shoes on the carpet, fuming. "Margo's been hogging the bathroom for ages!"

Gru groaned from the kitchen. "You can wait!"

"But I've been waiting for an hour and I gotta GO!" She did the pee-dance. "I'm going to EXPLODE!"

Gru continued to stir his latest masterpiece over the stove. Spaghetti and meatballs. "Ask her what she's doing in there!"

"Margo, you can't be pooping for this long," Edith snickered.

"Go away!" Muffled sobs came from behind the door.

"Aww, now she's crying!"

"Whaat?" Gru ran from the kitchen to the bathroom door. He pressed his ear against the wood surface. "Margo, what's wrong?"

A sniffle. "Nothing."

"Do not lie to Gru. Why don't you let me in and—" He jiggled the doorknob. Locked.

"It's just that my stomach really hurts." Margo sniffled again.

"Why? Are you hungry? I've got dinner almost ready and—"

He paused at the sound of a distant giggle. "AGNES!"

He ran into the kitchen and found the toddler swimming in the pot of spaghetti. "Mr. Unicorn loves spaghetti, and I love meatballs, and together you have spaghetti and meatballs!"

"Oy." Gru rubbed the creases above his brows. They grew deeper as the days went on.

"It's okay, Dad." Margo dragged herself into the kitchen. Her eyes were downcast. "Edith's in the bathroom now."

"YESS!" Edith's shout was punctuated by a loud flush.

"What is with this frowning?" Gru crouched down and caught Margo's chin in his hand. "You know this is a no-frown zone. That means zero tolerance for the frowns!"

"I think I just started my period."

Gru blinked. "Period?"

"Uh, yeah." She gave him her renowned _Duh_ look. "You know what that is, right?"

"Isn't that what's at the end of a sentence?" Agnes asked while climbing out of the pot. Edith walked into the kitchen with a towel, as if her sisterly intuition forewarned her of Agnes' mess.

"What is a 'period'?" Gru asked.

"It's…um…" She was too embarrassed to go into any details.

Gru rubbed his chin. Margo wasn't going to talk. Maybe Dr. Nefario had some incite about this mysterious 'period'…_No! _He remembered the last time he got advice from Nefario about women and how their bodies worked. Gru was scarred from dating for at least another five years.

Only one other person to call. He pulled out his cell and hit his mother's number on speed dial.

"MOM! I've got a question about the girls." He tapped his foot impatiently. "Margo said she just got her 'period' and, ah, I don't know what that is."

"HAAW!" Gru's mom guffawed over the phone. "Poor little _darlink_, stuck with a father who knows nothing about women."

"I know plenty about women!" He stomped his foot, redolent of Edith's own tantrums. Agnes and Edith dug into the pot of pasta at the table, eavesdropping on the conversation. Margo wiped her eyes before crossing her arms and trying to play it cool.

"My poor, dumb son. A period is…"

Gru stood rooted to the floor for a good five minutes, occasionally nodding his head. Margo frowned as her father's face quickly turned red.

"But she is just a little girl. How am I supposed to talk to her about, ah…_becoming a woman_?"

Edith fell out of her chair in laughter. "Oh my gosh!"

"So this _bleeding_…how do you stop it? Aren't there like, plugs or something?"

He held his phone at arm's length as his mom screeched on the other end.

"_Maxi-Pads_? Can't we use napkins or blankets?" he yelled, wildly gesturing his arms. "To me this sounds like a simple issue of absorption. And after a while the bleeding will stop."

Margo buried her red face deep into her palms, eyes welling up again. Things could NOT get more embarrassing than this.

"Dad, we have to go to the store."

"WHAT? It could last for _days_?" Gru shot Margo an incriminating look.

"Please, Dad…"

"Don't worry." He pet the top of her head. "I will take you to the store and get you these so-called _Maxi-Pads_." He quickly beckoned the Minions to watch Edith and Agnes while he was gone.

"She's bleeding? From where?" Agnes' face was covered in sauce; her innocent concern still showed through the marinara. Tentatively, one of the Minions licked a strip of sauce from her face.

"Well, it's kind of hard to explain—"

"DAD! Let's GO!"

* * *

Margo sat next to Gru in his armored car as it barreled through the neighborhood. Despite running several red lights and being tailgated by the cops, Gru was steadfast in doling out fatherly advice.

"So your grandmother told me to tell you that, um," Gru bit his bottom lip, "as you get older your body starts…doing _wild _and _crazy_ things."

Margo rolled her eyes, wishing she was anywhere in the world except next to her father.

"Things start to _grow_ and you're like—" He looked down into his lap. "Whoa, when did THAT get there? You know?"

"Oh yeah? When you were a kid did you get _your _period?"

"Oh no, little boys are very different." He began to reminisce…

_Younger Gru, barely on the cusp of pubescence, peeks outside his window at the rising sun. He looks down into his lap at an issue of _TIME Magazine_, deeply interested in an article about the next NASA shuttle launching._

_His eyes wander from his literature and he drops the magazine to reveal underneath a worn-out copy of _Hustler. _He pulls out a centerfold and whistles. Devious, he pulls the bed sheets half-way over his head and busies himself with the task at hand before—_

"_GRU!"_

_His mother storms into his room, beehive grazing the top of his doorframe. "I need you to get up early to mow the—HOLY FISHSTICKS!"_

"_MOM!" Gru drops the skinmag and squeals._

"_Oh, you little devil! Don't you know you'll go blind doing that?"_

_Gru rubs his eyes. "Blind?"_

"_And you'll grow hair on your hands!"_

_Gru stares at his hands, horrified._

"_Get out of bed now and stop making a fool of yourself!"_

"Dad? Hello? Daaad?" Margo poked Gru's shoulder. He shook himself out of the reverie and swerved around a corner.

"We're here!" he announced.

Inside of the store the pair awkwardly made their journey to Aisle 5: feminine products. Margo's eyes swept over the brightly-advertised tampons, pads, and douches. A whole new world lay before her. The packages promised remedies to elusive ailments such as "leakage" and "lack of flexibility." Sweat dripped from Gru's forehead as he looked for the product his mother told him to get.

"Dad, what about these?" Margo handed Gru a box of tampons. He read the back of the box and grimaced.

"May I help you two?" A store employee walked down the aisle smiling at them.

"Yes, you may." Gru pointed accusingly to the back of the box. "This language—it is graphic! Do you not realize small children read these?"

"Um, I'm sorry sir." The employee put the box back on the shelf and scratched her head.

"We are looking for the _Maxi-Pads_," he emphasized in his thick accent.

"Oh, here you go." She gave Gru a large, bright pink box and smiled. "I used these when I was younger."

"Will these be enough?" He shoved the box in Margo's face. "How much blood is coming out?"

"DAD!" Margo snatched the box away.

"Let's get another one just in case." He picked up another box and glared at the employee. He picked up three more and dashed out of the aisle.

* * *

"Okay." Gru squinted his eyes at the instructions inside of the box of pads. Margo sat behind the bathroom door again, ready as ever.

"Step number one…Unwrap the pad."

"Got it," Margo shouted from the bathroom.

"Ookay." He wiped the sweat from his brow. He prayed the directions stayed so simple. "Um, unfold the pad."

"Right." The sound of sticky plastic pulling against itself ripped through the bathroom.

"Now place the pad in the seat of the underwear."

"Haha!" Edith giggled from behind a corner. "You made Dad say underwear."

"Don't laugh at your sister! She is growing into a beautiful young lady!"

"I am just going to die." Margo banged her head against the tiled wall.

Agnes walked around the corner with a pad stuck to her right cheek. "Daddy, are these like tiny mattresses?"

"No, no…" He pulled the pad from her cheek and she cried out. "They are not for the face." He looked over the directions again. "Hoo-kay. Now it says to open the wings and stick them to the underwear." Gru frowned. "Why are there wings? Where do they go?"

"Hee-hee!" Now Agnes was laughing along with Edith.

"Done!" Margo stepped out the bathroom looking proud. She crossed her arms, usual demeanor of self-confidence and leadership fully returned. "That wasn't too hard."

"Now be sure to change that thing every few hours. I do not want any wild animals slipping in your bed in the middle of the night," Gru said matter-of-factly.

"Dad, stop it," Margo groaned, not wanting to bring any more attention to the situation.

Edith had no idea what was going on with her sister—but she was more interested in Gru humiliating her. "Haha, Margo's got to wear diapers," she taunted.

"I do _not_. They are _Maxi-Pads_. Like Dad said, my body's just changing. It means that I'm getting more mature. Right Dad?"

"Uh, that's right!" Gru bent down to hug her. "Now how about we finish that dinner before Agnes gets more of it on her?"

"Yeah, spaghett'n'meatballs!" Agnes skipped to the kitchen with her stuffed unicorn in tow.

"Don't think this means you can push us around," Edith said before running off herself. Gru blew out a tuft of air in relief and began to walk away. Margo stopped him by tugging on his pant leg.

"Thanks, Dad," she whispered. "If I didn't have you I don't know what I would do." She kissed the palm of his hand delicately. Gru felt warmth spread throughout his chest.

"I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you either." He kissed her cheek and she led him into the kitchen, father and daughter hand-in-hand.

_The End_


End file.
